tiny apology to the interwebs

...for the last post's mopey tone. i swear, the time i spend handwringing and fretting could be spent on more constructive things like, say, writing. nevertheless, i was in a dark mood for a few days. i try to keep the mood of this blog light because...well, i'm usually in a good mood. i suppose the stress of finalizing a book, perfecting my portfolio, entering submissions, working 10 hour work days, writing/editing essays, studying for the GRE, and organizing all the application materials for 12 highly selective writing programs had gotten to me.

but the dread fog has lifted after a great phone conversation with one of my old professors from JMU. he was writing the recommendation letter for my application to Vanderbilt and he remembered being impressed by a research paper i wrote for a film adaptations class he taught. it caught me off guard, and i mean that in the best way possible. it also made me feel so grateful and lucky to have people that support me in this insane endeavor of mine. my friends and family, my former and current instructors,  my fellow writers, and my coworkers have all been understanding and unbelievably generous in their efforts to help me follow my dream. complaining should be the last thing on my mind.

and so, it is. even if i don't get into any programs, i'll feel like i gave it my best shot. others think i am good enough of a writer for this opportunity,  and that's something i am proud of. 

you know what? screw it, i'm going to give myself a pat on the back. right now.

there, just did it. it worked in 1st grade and it still works 23 years later. 

what to do...

...when your home is not where your heart is? it's the typical writer's dilemma of a love/hate relationship with home. yeah, that old chestnut.

like a lot of unmarried 20-somethings, i am living at home (...to save money...in this economy..ugh...) it's semi-embarassing yet feels oddly comfortable. like a pair of jeans from high school that you can still fit into and you know they aren't fashionable but you wear them anyway because they're comfortable and you're hoping you might get some old school street cred for still sporting shit you wore in high school. you know what i'm talking about, right? right.

that being said, i need a new look. and by a new look, i need a new place to live. new town, new digs, new people. not to call out a group of people from an unnamed coastal urban area in eastern virginia, but i feel like the only people who are content here are the people who aren't from this area. who didn't spend every weekend being delinquents and wandering around in the city on skateboards and bikes getting into trouble, just because there wasn't anything better to do. who didn't watch every indie band and big rock show that came to the area in the 90s. who didn't sneak out of their house on a school night to watch their favorite band (L7 '96, best show ever) at venues that don't play shows anymore or have long since shut down. and yet it's in this same city where i feel isolated and unwelcome.

okay, so i left for a few years. 8 years, to be exact. but when i came back home, i expected the city to welcome one of its own with relative success and experience with open arms. yet all i seem to find are people from other places who have claimed the city as their own and a strong sense that i'm an outsider in the same town where i had the experiences that shaped the person who i am today. the more i am immersed in the events here, the more i find that it's changed and i've changed and maybe i should start writing my dear john letter.

let's be honest, i feel a little bitterness. but i also feel invigorated. something about the excitement in finding my new home. i'm actually looking forward to finding my tribe, as it were. pretty soon, it'll happen. until then, there's work to be done. here's to those out there who understand that places, like people, change. here's to hoping that others like me find their tribe, too.

things i like this week that have nothing to do with writing

1. sanity! 

2. dressing up as poe for halloween!

happy halloween everyone! 

some updates

since the last post, the following have happened:

i unintentionally got 1 kurt cobain haircut:

bringing back grunge style, minus the flannel

started 2 workshops @ the muse (fiction studio and open studio)

1 trip to boston to visit my brother.
(the must-visits included harpoon brewery:

cheers! we think

...and a trip to salem:

salem witch museum. creepy.

...and, of course, a whirlwind love affair with jason vorhees)

he's so dreamy

...not to mention the 7 recommenders i am consulting for MFA programs and providing them all the information they need, but also the 16 manuscripts i'm editing for my workshops, and 1 GRE test yet hanging over my head like the black angel of death. but i'm not complaining :)

things i like this week that have nothing to do with writing

• giving my dog a bath so he doesn't smell like a port-o-potty anymore. and then he gives me this face. I HAVE THE CUTEST DOG IN THE WORLD.
• that's pretty much it.

two of my favorite things right now

because my writing has never won anything before* and this is better than nothing! also, i dream about nutella.

 

*yep, my last literary award includes being a finalist for the (hampton roads) peninsula spelling bee in 1994. yep.

and one day, life will be as badass as ever...if i keep my motivation.

usually after a busy weekend, i want to do anything but sit down and work at writing. strangely, i'm feeling ready to get down to business. i'm thinking about my query letter to agents for my book. i'm thinking about the revisions to my book, which i'll be working on during the next workshop starting next week.

i'm even thinking about the next reading which isn't even happening until january. after talking about it with my boyfriend, i'm going to take a shot at reading my australia stories. i've balked from doing this solely because there's a lot of dialogue in those stories. dialogue with aussies. which means i'd have to read with an accent.  ugh. i'm no actress, but i can pull off the accent. the problem is performing in front of people. it terrifies me. but john made a good point. if i'm trying to sell this book, it's likely that i'm going to have to read it in front of people. i should try to make it entertaining.  i think i can do that. if i still feel this way come january...well, we shall see.

another point of motivation is my honorable mention win for best nonfiction writing in the conference. i didn't feel it was my best work because the submission was restricted to 2000 words, and the story i submitted was originally 3000+ words. editing was a pain in the arse. but i'm glad somebody still liked it enough. no monetary award but i get in next year's conference for free. and who knows, maybe by then i will have a book deal, be in a great writing program, and life will be as badass as ever. POSITIVE POSITIVE POSITIVE THINKING.