do your thing, petty.

the waiting is the hardest part. -tom petty.

things i like this week that have nothing to do with writing.

CRAFTS. especially this one:

now that i have time to spare, arts (and farts, for those who get the reference) and crafts are the pastimes i look forward to pursuing again. also, i once painted my room this exact same paint color (lemongrass) and my roommates made fun of me. now it's on re-nest. i do believe genevieve gorder would approve.


another thing i am loving right now is one that got me through the anxiety attack that i detailed in the previous post. that, my invisible friends, is better your body bootcamp. there's a version of it, i'm sure, in most areas. my own bootcamp varies in size and age and the amount of people that show up, but the core group we now have is awesome. our bootcamp instructor has right mix of tough-guy "summer's coming, ladies, ya'll need to keep reppin' squats if you want to look good in that bikini" attitude and also the quiet patience with the more stubborn bootcampers. although, he did kick out one nasty bird after she refused to do a squat thrust.  anyway, i always feel happy after i finish the hour workout and even though i've gained more muscle weight than i care to admit, i think it's good for me. once i get this 1200 calorie diet thing down, i might even be svelte enough to walk around on a beach without dashing for a coverup. hell, come july, i might even buy jeggings.

okay, jeggings won't happen. maybe pajama jeans?

sorry for the hiatus, imaginary interwebs folks, but i had some work to do...

i turned in my last application four days ago on a beautiful sunny afternoon in norfolk, va. i came home and checked my email, wondering if i'd gotten any good news yet. i looked like this:

except i'm a chick. and a little older (but not by much...yeah).

today i had a stressful experience which, to its credit, ended with a glimmer of optimism. a glimmer? maybe sliver of optimistic light. who knows. i won't go into the experience, but let's say my seemingly normal work day spiraled downward until i was crying in my car waiting outside my gynecologist's office for my upcoming yearly appointment (which i was so close to canceling, but decided to soldier on anyway). next thing i know i'm bawling and naked (draped only in that awful pastel XXL gown that opens only in the front) and they can't get a steady blood pressure reading and all i can do is blubber about how i'll never get into an mfa program. as if gynecologist appointments aren't embarrassing enough. so, that being said and out there in interwebs-land, i am faced with a conundrum i can't quite argue for or against. now i look like this:

only that doll is creepy and my teddy bear is a pug named reggie.

as some mfa applicants know, there's a blog for us. one of the options in the blog is to subscribe to this CW application responses database. once you subscribe, you are updated with all the responses other applicants have received from their respective programs. this also offers other applicants a peek into which schools have responded to whom and when, so that you might have an idea of what your own response might be, and when it might be coming. IOW, if a bunch of fiction applicants just got word of their acceptance to vanderbilt on february 11 and you haven't heard zilch come march, the chances of you getting an acceptance are slim to none.

now, knowing this resource is out there for me, i am wondering if i should subscribe. having subscribed to some posts on this blog, i realize that my gmail account will be exploding like an independence day bbq. but do i want these emails? do i really want to know who got in and when? do i really want to torture myself with daily--more accurately, on the minute--news on the acceptances from other applicants? won't i find out either way? yes, but somehow, i feel as if i know that one school is completely out of the picture for me, the blow will be less shocking. after all, seth abrams does argue this case in his introduction to the database, and it makes sense. but whether or not this will be of any help to me is a purely subjective thing. some people want to know as soon as humanly possible the grade on their term paper, or which person they will end up marrying, or, more sordidly, when they will die. others choose to live in intentional denial, and when such events happen, they happen. after all, those issues are out of one's hands once that letter is signed, sealed, and delivered.

you see, i'm now sitting in the waiting room. do i kick back with my ipod, leaf through a tattered in touch magazine, and find a comfortable spot? or should i pace a worn path around the room, jump every time the door opens, and keep bugging the receptionist about when i'll get to see the doctor?

shameless self-promotion

so, i got published!

for all those who want to read my story, check it out here.

it's also a part of anthology called bearing north, check that out here.

special thanks to the editors at midwest literary magazine!

GRE - DONE!

GRE: i'm so difficult and everyone's afraid of me. you'll never defeat me.

lauren: bump that. i haven't taken a math class in seven years and i still got a decent score. also, your analytical writing section is a joke. might as well have asked me to list the reasons why i like puppies. 

GRE: but you almost ran out of time on the verbal section! i could sense your fear and your score shall suffer!

lauren: whatevs. my verbal score is fine. also, your interface is straight busted. 
U G L Y. 

GRE: ...your mom!

lauren: good one.  

essays malaise

tomorrow is the day i'm finishing up the last 4 of my essays, and i can say with relative authority that writing the personal essay/statement of purpose/ goals assessment/ whatever the school wishes to call it is the most difficult part of the application. to me, they're all the same. that is to say, i am using the same method to write each essay. Vince Gotera's article has been a humongous influence on my method. consequently, i think i wrote a damn good essay because of it.

ay, but there are some of my schools that don't fit in this paradigm. they want specific questions addressed. they have word count limit. or a page limit. or they want me to write an essay on what graduate study means to me. which excludes part of the applicant pool who, like me, already have a graduate degree. what does it mean to me? it means i already got my graduate degree. (woo hoo?) but that's not what an MFA degree means to me.

what i want to write about is the passion i get from writing. putting words down on a page and change something. change myself? the reader? i don't care.

part of me wants to write something to make someone go, "what the hell? is this writer messing with me?" someone actually said this in a writing group recently. the workshopper wrote in the margin, "i wonder if you are messing with our heads." it was a fantastic compliment. if i can make you think twice about something i wrote, make you wonder whether the character is sexy or weird, tangible or a dream, trustworthy or a liar, then i think that's good. i've done what i want to do. that's where my passion is. getting better at messing with people's heads.

because i'm not a scientist or a philosopher or a filmmaker or a politician, this is my only platform to get people thinking. as much as i'd love to be the next jk rowling or charlaine harris or stephanie meyer (no offense to any of those writers),  i'd rather be the next amy hempel or raymond carver or shirley jackson. hell, shirley jackson had piles of hate mail sent to her when she published "the lottery" in the new yorker in 1948 (detailed in come along with me). i want that response. i spend way too much personal time attempting to please other people. writing allows me to piss them off. is that what shirley had in mind? i'd like to think so.

anyway, back to essays. 8 down, 4 to go.

tiny apology to the interwebs

...for the last post's mopey tone. i swear, the time i spend handwringing and fretting could be spent on more constructive things like, say, writing. nevertheless, i was in a dark mood for a few days. i try to keep the mood of this blog light because...well, i'm usually in a good mood. i suppose the stress of finalizing a book, perfecting my portfolio, entering submissions, working 10 hour work days, writing/editing essays, studying for the GRE, and organizing all the application materials for 12 highly selective writing programs had gotten to me.

but the dread fog has lifted after a great phone conversation with one of my old professors from JMU. he was writing the recommendation letter for my application to Vanderbilt and he remembered being impressed by a research paper i wrote for a film adaptations class he taught. it caught me off guard, and i mean that in the best way possible. it also made me feel so grateful and lucky to have people that support me in this insane endeavor of mine. my friends and family, my former and current instructors,  my fellow writers, and my coworkers have all been understanding and unbelievably generous in their efforts to help me follow my dream. complaining should be the last thing on my mind.

and so, it is. even if i don't get into any programs, i'll feel like i gave it my best shot. others think i am good enough of a writer for this opportunity,  and that's something i am proud of. 

you know what? screw it, i'm going to give myself a pat on the back. right now.

there, just did it. it worked in 1st grade and it still works 23 years later.