shameless self-promotion

so, i got published!

for all those who want to read my story, check it out here.

it's also a part of anthology called bearing north, check that out here.

special thanks to the editors at midwest literary magazine!

GRE - DONE!

GRE: i'm so difficult and everyone's afraid of me. you'll never defeat me.

lauren: bump that. i haven't taken a math class in seven years and i still got a decent score. also, your analytical writing section is a joke. might as well have asked me to list the reasons why i like puppies. 

GRE: but you almost ran out of time on the verbal section! i could sense your fear and your score shall suffer!

lauren: whatevs. my verbal score is fine. also, your interface is straight busted. 
U G L Y. 

GRE: ...your mom!

lauren: good one.  

essays malaise

tomorrow is the day i'm finishing up the last 4 of my essays, and i can say with relative authority that writing the personal essay/statement of purpose/ goals assessment/ whatever the school wishes to call it is the most difficult part of the application. to me, they're all the same. that is to say, i am using the same method to write each essay. Vince Gotera's article has been a humongous influence on my method. consequently, i think i wrote a damn good essay because of it.

ay, but there are some of my schools that don't fit in this paradigm. they want specific questions addressed. they have word count limit. or a page limit. or they want me to write an essay on what graduate study means to me. which excludes part of the applicant pool who, like me, already have a graduate degree. what does it mean to me? it means i already got my graduate degree. (woo hoo?) but that's not what an MFA degree means to me.

what i want to write about is the passion i get from writing. putting words down on a page and change something. change myself? the reader? i don't care.

part of me wants to write something to make someone go, "what the hell? is this writer messing with me?" someone actually said this in a writing group recently. the workshopper wrote in the margin, "i wonder if you are messing with our heads." it was a fantastic compliment. if i can make you think twice about something i wrote, make you wonder whether the character is sexy or weird, tangible or a dream, trustworthy or a liar, then i think that's good. i've done what i want to do. that's where my passion is. getting better at messing with people's heads.

because i'm not a scientist or a philosopher or a filmmaker or a politician, this is my only platform to get people thinking. as much as i'd love to be the next jk rowling or charlaine harris or stephanie meyer (no offense to any of those writers),  i'd rather be the next amy hempel or raymond carver or shirley jackson. hell, shirley jackson had piles of hate mail sent to her when she published "the lottery" in the new yorker in 1948 (detailed in come along with me). i want that response. i spend way too much personal time attempting to please other people. writing allows me to piss them off. is that what shirley had in mind? i'd like to think so.

anyway, back to essays. 8 down, 4 to go.

tiny apology to the interwebs

...for the last post's mopey tone. i swear, the time i spend handwringing and fretting could be spent on more constructive things like, say, writing. nevertheless, i was in a dark mood for a few days. i try to keep the mood of this blog light because...well, i'm usually in a good mood. i suppose the stress of finalizing a book, perfecting my portfolio, entering submissions, working 10 hour work days, writing/editing essays, studying for the GRE, and organizing all the application materials for 12 highly selective writing programs had gotten to me.

but the dread fog has lifted after a great phone conversation with one of my old professors from JMU. he was writing the recommendation letter for my application to Vanderbilt and he remembered being impressed by a research paper i wrote for a film adaptations class he taught. it caught me off guard, and i mean that in the best way possible. it also made me feel so grateful and lucky to have people that support me in this insane endeavor of mine. my friends and family, my former and current instructors,  my fellow writers, and my coworkers have all been understanding and unbelievably generous in their efforts to help me follow my dream. complaining should be the last thing on my mind.

and so, it is. even if i don't get into any programs, i'll feel like i gave it my best shot. others think i am good enough of a writer for this opportunity,  and that's something i am proud of. 

you know what? screw it, i'm going to give myself a pat on the back. right now.

there, just did it. it worked in 1st grade and it still works 23 years later. 

what to do...

...when your home is not where your heart is? it's the typical writer's dilemma of a love/hate relationship with home. yeah, that old chestnut.

like a lot of unmarried 20-somethings, i am living at home (...to save money...in this economy..ugh...) it's semi-embarassing yet feels oddly comfortable. like a pair of jeans from high school that you can still fit into and you know they aren't fashionable but you wear them anyway because they're comfortable and you're hoping you might get some old school street cred for still sporting shit you wore in high school. you know what i'm talking about, right? right.

that being said, i need a new look. and by a new look, i need a new place to live. new town, new digs, new people. not to call out a group of people from an unnamed coastal urban area in eastern virginia, but i feel like the only people who are content here are the people who aren't from this area. who didn't spend every weekend being delinquents and wandering around in the city on skateboards and bikes getting into trouble, just because there wasn't anything better to do. who didn't watch every indie band and big rock show that came to the area in the 90s. who didn't sneak out of their house on a school night to watch their favorite band (L7 '96, best show ever) at venues that don't play shows anymore or have long since shut down. and yet it's in this same city where i feel isolated and unwelcome.

okay, so i left for a few years. 8 years, to be exact. but when i came back home, i expected the city to welcome one of its own with relative success and experience with open arms. yet all i seem to find are people from other places who have claimed the city as their own and a strong sense that i'm an outsider in the same town where i had the experiences that shaped the person who i am today. the more i am immersed in the events here, the more i find that it's changed and i've changed and maybe i should start writing my dear john letter.

let's be honest, i feel a little bitterness. but i also feel invigorated. something about the excitement in finding my new home. i'm actually looking forward to finding my tribe, as it were. pretty soon, it'll happen. until then, there's work to be done. here's to those out there who understand that places, like people, change. here's to hoping that others like me find their tribe, too.

things i like this week that have nothing to do with writing

1. sanity! 

2. dressing up as poe for halloween!

happy halloween everyone! 

some updates

since the last post, the following have happened:

i unintentionally got 1 kurt cobain haircut:

bringing back grunge style, minus the flannel

started 2 workshops @ the muse (fiction studio and open studio)

1 trip to boston to visit my brother.
(the must-visits included harpoon brewery:

cheers! we think

...and a trip to salem:

salem witch museum. creepy.

...and, of course, a whirlwind love affair with jason vorhees)

he's so dreamy

...not to mention the 7 recommenders i am consulting for MFA programs and providing them all the information they need, but also the 16 manuscripts i'm editing for my workshops, and 1 GRE test yet hanging over my head like the black angel of death. but i'm not complaining :)

things i like this week that have nothing to do with writing

• giving my dog a bath so he doesn't smell like a port-o-potty anymore. and then he gives me this face. I HAVE THE CUTEST DOG IN THE WORLD.
• that's pretty much it.

two of my favorite things right now

because my writing has never won anything before* and this is better than nothing! also, i dream about nutella.

 

*yep, my last literary award includes being a finalist for the (hampton roads) peninsula spelling bee in 1994. yep.

and one day, life will be as badass as ever...if i keep my motivation.

usually after a busy weekend, i want to do anything but sit down and work at writing. strangely, i'm feeling ready to get down to business. i'm thinking about my query letter to agents for my book. i'm thinking about the revisions to my book, which i'll be working on during the next workshop starting next week.

i'm even thinking about the next reading which isn't even happening until january. after talking about it with my boyfriend, i'm going to take a shot at reading my australia stories. i've balked from doing this solely because there's a lot of dialogue in those stories. dialogue with aussies. which means i'd have to read with an accent.  ugh. i'm no actress, but i can pull off the accent. the problem is performing in front of people. it terrifies me. but john made a good point. if i'm trying to sell this book, it's likely that i'm going to have to read it in front of people. i should try to make it entertaining.  i think i can do that. if i still feel this way come january...well, we shall see.

another point of motivation is my honorable mention win for best nonfiction writing in the conference. i didn't feel it was my best work because the submission was restricted to 2000 words, and the story i submitted was originally 3000+ words. editing was a pain in the arse. but i'm glad somebody still liked it enough. no monetary award but i get in next year's conference for free. and who knows, maybe by then i will have a book deal, be in a great writing program, and life will be as badass as ever. POSITIVE POSITIVE POSITIVE THINKING.

writing conference, day 1

highlights 

• kinda decent swag bag, including the new P&Ws/the writer magazine issues, cookies, free jodi's popcorn, and 2 tickets to the norfolk botanical garden and the chrysler museum of art.
• meeting a fan from my reading last night
• getting a tasty veggie wrap
• meeting jill mccorkle *
• meeting katherine sands**
• catching up with former barnes and nobles employees

not-so-highlights

• false fire alarms that made judi mccoy pretty angry
• pitch session not quite going as i planned***

*jill mccorkle is one of those people you just want to hang around with on a front porch swing on a summer day sipping ice tea and bourbon. calm, graceful, modest. it was a pleasure stalking her down and making her sign my book. i told her that i really loved her new book (okay i just read halfway through at that point but it's really amazing) and that i've also been reading her colleague john kessel's short stories "the baum plan for independence." i was looking forward to applying to ncstate for fall 2011, where they are both faculty. yes of course it's brown nosing and i look like a fan girl. but she looked at my name tag and said she'd keep a look out for my name. yessssssssss.

**katherine sands is one of these people who know their shit and got it straight. she seems to be one of those relentlessly accountable people with confidence and swagger and is just generally cool as hell.  because i just saw this movie, i'll compare her to the character of chris chambers from the movie "stand by me": 

what's your pitch, sucka?

her pitch session was well-informed and entertaining. she was direct and honest and was committed to giving each member the information he or she needed to make a successful book pitch. i respect that. 

*** now, sadly,  i  don't feel like this was my shining moment. this is not katherine's fault in any way, but i definitely felt like i missed the pitch. i know my idea has all of the components she talked about in her panel, but being in front if her and explaining it all...well, it just didn't gel. she did invite me to send her my query, so i plan doing that as i feel comfortable with it. which will be veeeeeerrrry soon. 

fiction readings for amateur writers...

can be a terrifying experience. depending on size of the crowd, the location/environment, and the piece that the writer has to read, this can be brilliant success or utter failure.

last night, i read a short story that i recently wrote that has been swirling around in my head for some time. before this, knowing I had a 7-minute reading to perform, I scourged all my writing samples to find a piece worthy of reading in front of my teachers, fellow writers, loved ones and varying strangers. I found nothing that i was comfortable reading for 7 minutes in front of anybody, not even my dog:

tough crowd

and so the unworkshopped, unreviewed short story made it to the stage. i ran it by a couple of my most trusted beta readers and ran a spell check. that was about it. 

i have to say it was more well-received that i would have thought. my current instructor seemed nervous because i was reading a piece that had not been worked in her class. afterwards, she gave me her usual, "it's brilliant!" face. which makes me happy. i talked with a former instructor, who told me good things. i even met a woman today at the hampton roads writers conference who recognized me from the reading and told me she really enjoyed my story. overall, that's a score. lauren: level up!

the submissions mission

here's a quote from a publication's "what we look for in submissions" page: 

Stories that begin with descriptions are the worst offenders. I receive dozens of these. Descriptions of pastoral scenes or bustling streets in exotic foreign lands or the weather, or even a description of Joe waking up in the morning, don’t tell me who’s involved and what’s at stake (unless Joe is on fire). They don’t tell me why I should care about whatever this eventually turns out to be about.

I am also squeamish about stories that begin with a piece of dialog (I don’t know who’s talking, or why), and stories that begin with background information. A teacher of mine called this type of opening “throat-clearing”. Skip the intro. Just get on with it! 

A few of my prejudices - I don’t want to see any more stories where the P-O-V character has Alzheimer’s. I don’t want to see stories that depend on dreams; I don’t trust dreams in fiction. I cringe when I begin reading another story about “mama”. I have a bias against stories in which the main characters are children or animals. I am bored by stories in which the characters suffer from some indefinable, generalized angst or ennui. I have a bias against stories which are mostly internal monologue or exposition; I want to see the characters “in scene”.

I must also admit a prejudice against experimental fiction, or meta-fiction. My experience has been that most writers who claim to be writing such fiction are doing so because they cannot write a traditional story. But I try to keep an open mind.

reading this information completely turned me off to submitting a story to them. not only because of the restrictions/biases/pet peeves/seemingly minor annoyances that this editor felt necessary to communicate to writers, but also because it reminded me how jaded editors can be. 

i realize that the amount of terrible writing these people receive has made them intolerant to reading anything less than what they consider "good" writing. well, too bad. maybe they shouldn't be literary magazine editors. 

more importantly, reading this has discouraged me. maybe it's because it is sunday and i'm a little mopey i have to go into work early tomorrow, but this was a major bummer for me to read. previous to reading this, i submitted a story i recently revised to a number of publications. now i am feeling doubtful about my work. as if writers need another line item on their list of anxieties. now i should be wary of editors with a prejudice against experimental fiction. fantastic!

what is it about the submissions process that upends my confidence and turns my usual proud self esteem into a pile of jelly? i know that successful writers need nerves of steel to make it in the business, but what is it about some (certainly not all) editors and publishers that make it a point to test those nerves? if an editor doesn't like a story, simply send out the rejection form and move on. i feel that the only restrictions a publication should list as an official guideline is the preferred manuscript/submission format and the theme/genre of the publication. everything else is purely preferential. it's one thing to state a manifesto, it's another thing to ridicule style. 

i once had a teacher who taught writing through a list of rules. no dreams, no memories, no telephone conversations, no misplaced modifiers, no talking animals, no first person POV, and so on. here's my thing: short stories have a very basic set of rules to adhere to. everything else is fair game. if it works, it works. if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. making lists of specific things to avoid in a short story is pointless and self-gratifying BS. 

and so, one rant spawned another. i promise it will be the last. although, i do feel better now.

currently reading...

amy hempel's "reasons to live"

it didn't take me long to finish the author's first collection of short stories. most of the stories are only a few pages long--one in this collection is a mere page and a half. hempel is known for her lightning-quick prose and sentences so fecund with wit and raw emotion that an entire paragraph is a story in itself.

that said, i'm not sure i liked it. in fact, the first story i read kind of annoyed me. i wanted to read "in the cemetary where al jolson is buried" first because of its legendary status as the story that made her gordon lish's darling when she was a student at columbia. it's also the first fiction story she ever wrote (maybe that's why it annoys me, hah).

of course, the beginning is amazing:

"'tell me things i won't mind forgetting,' she said. 'make it useless stuff or skip it.' 

I began. I told her insects fly through the rain, missing every drop, never getting wet. I told her no one in America owned a tape recorder before Bing Crosby did. I told her the shape of the moon is like a banana-- you see it looking full, you're seeing it end-on." 

it's clear that hempel is an extremely effective writer in that she knows exactly what she wants to communicate and she knows exactly how to communicate it. everything else is unnecessary bullshit. all this time i thought raymond carver was bare bones. i believe it was truman capote who said he believes in the scissors more than the pencil. perhaps that is hempel's credo. it's clear that she wants to push the boundaries of what a short story is and what the form is capable of, which i can appreciate.  hempel creates compelling characters in stories such as "nashville gone to ashes" and "tonight is a favor to holly" but the stories end before i can establish a connection to them. i found it a bit anticlimactic.

that said, i believe she's an amazing writer. you'd find more talent in her index finger than ten fiction bookshelves in barnes and noble. it's obvious that the publishing world loves lady hempel, that her vision of the short story is nothing short of literary genius. a quick google search and you'll find nothing but laudatory articles and interviews celebrating her. not to mention at nearly 60 years old, she's a babe. if the interviewer is male, you can almost see the blush rising in his cheeks as he conducts the interview. more power to her.

but the fact that her very first attempt at fiction was so groundbreaking and well-received makes me think that her technique comes out so perfectly organic in her writing. she can pop out a couple pages and it's all the rage in the next harper's. it kind of usurps this indelible image in my head of writers toiling away in dark rooms, writing and tossing out material, then revising and writing some more. she says in her interview with powell's after a question about what kind of writing she would consider a weakness:
"I don't know that I'm not good at as much as I'm not interested in the big picture in any given story. I like the moment the thing changes. I like the aftermath of the big event more than I like to portray the event itself."
i don't really understand that logic, but her choice in not writing longer fiction is interesting. not that i think short fiction is easy in the least, but i get the sense that short fiction comes rather naturally to her. this talent has afforded her a career as a professional writer and educator at some of the best writing programs in the country. but i wonder what would happen if she took a stab at writing something longer than a novella. something out of her comfort zone. it seems like she has carved out this niche in short fiction and is one of the most successful modern writers because of it. she knows what she is good at. she has her formula and doesn't monkey with it. is that any different from the mass market romance and mystery authors who find their formula and write the same story over and over again? aren't writers of literary fiction supposed to challenge themselves as artists?

clearly, this is a tangent and i come off naive. that's fair. what do i know? with my drawerful of unpublished short stories and a book that needs serious editing, i really shouldn't be talking. most of what draws people to a certain author or type of fiction is so nebulous, it's not even worth going into. all i'm saying is that this reader would love to read an amy hempel novel someday. this reader thinks she should take a crack at it.

i almost forgot...

the kitchn blogged about this sandwich that i've been living off of for the past month. never mind the epic demise of all of my tomato plants this year. there are plenty of local tomatoes on sale at the farmer's market and i have been stocking up. behold, the tomato mozzarella sandwich: 

i'll make tomato and mayo sandwiches, caprese salads, salsa, tomato and cucumber salads...fresh tomatoes have been in pretty much every meal of late. and a good bloody mary...oh my.

things i like this week that have nothing to do with writing

for example, this article from apartment therapy on decorating with scraps of wallpaper. observe:

i'll live here someday

my friend and i have a notorious love of scrap pieces of kitschy wallpaper and fabric. i have box loads that i vow to use when i move into my lovely turn of the century house located in a cute suburb of a semi large city. observe: 

i'll live here someday.

but there was a small interview with illustrator and lovely carson ellis in huffington post today that made my day. i always liked the decemberists album covers, but it wasn't until i was at their concert  a couple years ago and i saw the wall-sized tapestry she illustrated. i was suspended in artistic immediacy because of both the music and the gigantic tapestry of an intricately detailed japanese landscape behind them (it was the crane wife tour). she's also created striking book art for some YA books. in the interview, she talked about the collaboration of children's books featuring her drawings and husband colin meloy's writing. i have a soft spot for strange YA books, including libba bray's "a great and terrible beauty" and all of joan aiken's books. i can't wait to read their story.

nevermind the animals

lastly, i ordered some vintage boots that finally went on sale and they came in the mail yesterday. already broken in and perfect for fall!  

novacaine for the soul

in a campaign to settle all my medical issues before i lose my employer's insurance, i just recovered from the second of three dentist's visits where they will eventually fill all eight of my cavities.  EIGHT. this was discovered a few weeks ago at a visit to a new dentist, and was a total surprise. i've been going to the dentist regularly for years without a cavity, and now that i'm about to become a penniless writer without health insurance, the powers that be decide to smite me with decaying teeth. it's a blow to my wallet as well as my pride. i know that i'm no marilyn, but i know i have great teeth. 


see below:

look at them pearly whites. 

heck, i even brush my dog's teeth. see below:

look at them pearly whites.

 

on another note, i found a new market! side B magazine is accepting submissions until november 13th, i believe.    since i've gotten no positive responses from the last batch of stories i sent out, i'm on the search for new homes for my stories. i took a break from sending out submissions, but now i'm back at it. laissez les bons temps rouler!

currently reading...

by janette turner hospital. i worked in a roadhouse very close to where the opal mining fields are in australia. this is this kind of reading i wish i had when i worked in those outback bars, when i was bored out of my mind serving XXXX to drunk retired miners at 10 in the morning. also, she's head faculty at USC and is an aussie. if this book is any good, i'm going to set out to meet her and buy a shout.

t-minus one week until...

application season begins. DOOM.

i'm applying to 12 (maybe 13) schools and the amount of material to prepare is immense. i know i've got a leg up with my portfolio, recommenders, transcripts and GRE scores (those places willing to accept scores older than 5 years). those places that won't accept my score are the reasons i've invested in the princeton review crash course book. i figure i've taken it twice, so i should be a pro. wrong. this test is the devil, satan, lucifer, beelzebub, and whatever name there is for the darkest, most evil forces known in this universe.

so here's my list so far:

colorado-boulder

oregon

vanderbilt

miami

u of s. carolina

virginia tech

VCU

ODU

portland state

LSU

either USC or texas-austin. maybe both.

things will be getting real here soon. i have a reading at the boot in norfolk, va on sept 23rd and the conference where i'll pitch my book to an editor. criminy.

as far as my portfolio goes, i have one story workshopped and ready to go, one story almost done and one story/possible novelette that i'm currently editing. i have a couple story ideas which i plan on hashing out in september by committing to a word count and sticking to it.

mur lafferty's podcast "i should be writing" offers a ton of amazing advice for writer who needs to just let go and write. i've been listening to her and downloaded her podio book "heaven" and really liked it. recommend recommend it. although, my biggest problem with her "rules" is number 2: "you are allowed to suck." i refuse to suck if i can help it. i will not stand sucking. maybe you write something just to write it, just for the sake of writing. that's absolutely fine. but you have to make it better. soon. before someone else sees that it sucks. right? right. the sucking should be minimal.

that said, there's a program i'm thinking of trying out. write or die promises that it will make you write, or suffer the consequences. while this belligerent view of writing isn't exactly my style (i prefer to walk around my house in my robe until ideas hit me), it's not something i will rule out. i'll give a couple days of wandering around in my hideous red robe until i decide write or die is something i should try out.

it's almost done! so for my 28th birthday, i decided i'm getting the tattoo i've wanted for the past 4 years. vice the decemberists album title, the banner will present a yeats quote from my favorite poem.got one more session to go to finish this baby, but it's pretty neat! this is special because it is the last expensive thing i'm giving myself before i start writing full time and sending applications and workshopping hardcore, wherein i will cease to have an expendable budget. yay academic life.

moment of wow

rare color photos from the great depression

i'm not sure what the farm services administration actually worked on from 1939-1944, but they were pretty damn good photographers. i should go back to my u.s. history book to look them up. either way, thanks to the library of congress, all 1600 pictures are online. it's a fascinating site anyway and i'd go there now if i didn't have workshopping to do!

currently reading...

"what the thunder said" by janet peery

a friend referred me to "alligator dance" and i was absolutely in love. i'm only 59 pages into "thunder" and i'm hooked. i'm applying to ODU's MFA where peery is one of the faculty. hopefully one day i'll get to meet her.

i got a scholarship!

hampton roads writers

as my inaugural post, i'll announce that i'm attending the hampton roads writers conference this september. it was a bit accidental, but i'm excited! i also submitted a creative nonfiction short story into a contest the conference is hosting, as well.